There’s a secret tribe I had no idea existed. I mean, duh, that’s why it’s called a secret. <<whispering softly>> It’s a secret tribe of MOMS!!! Like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, books I loved dearly while reading in my early 20’s, there’s a Sisterhood of Newfound Mommyhood, and boy, is it wonderful. You need a kid to join, obviously, but once you’re in, your newfound mommy superpowers can spread near and far. There are no limits to where these powers can travel!
It all started that first week of bringing home baby. I remember the first day we brought Phillip home: terrified of the drive home from the hospital, looking back to make sure he was alive 845892734 times on the 20-minute drive. I remember getting through night one and hugging my husband, hormonally crying, saying, “we made it… night one” and then taking a huge sigh of relief. Week one is terrifying. It is messy (for mom, that is. TMI alert – you bleed for weeks, you’re swollen, you’re hormonal, and you’re f’ing exhausted), it is tear-filled, it is scary; overall it’s uncharted territory. And when you are a Type A individual, put all these together and it’s essentially a perfect storm of anxiety and fear. Add in that you are delivering a baby during the absolute peak of fear during a global pandemic, and well, there ya go.
I stumbled upon the Sisterhood of Newfound Mommyhood (let’s call it “SNM” for abbrevs sake) when a couple new moms reached out to me on IG to ask how I was doing. But it wasn’t just an “ask.” It was positive affirmation that I was doing a good job. And they hadn’t even seen me firsthand as a mom. That first week (hell, the first month, actually), I cried every single day. EVERY… SINGLE… DAY. And never did a day not go by that these women reached out to me to check in, to reaffirm, to consistently and repeatedly tell me “you are doing a great job!!!!” Foresight doesn’t tell you that you need this. Hindsight does. And that’s where the traveling superpowers come in. I tell you with complete honesty that these women saved my life. For awhile I thought I was borderline depressed. I mean, I knew I was hormonal, but depression felt like it was hovering at my front door just waiting to break in. Because I had a C-Section, I had to take 3+ months off from physical activity. I couldn’t run, couldn’t yoga, could only walk. This was the longest I have ever gone in my life without a workout. Speaking only for myself, that was enough to put me on the border of depression. It was a struggle every day to find the “good” in each day. I was nursing (and still am) nonstop as Phillip hadn’t been introduced to bottles yet, so my nipples were raw, I repeatedly got clogged ducts, and even worse, I got mastitis on the last day of my maternity leave. But you know who was always there for me? The moms. They were there through every ounce of my fears and my feelings of failure. These feelings were so real. Yet these women never once made these feelings seem illegitimate. They knew how to “talk me out” of this and they had the hindsight to help me through it.
So who ARE these moms?! And WHERE did they come from? They’re old college friends. They’re random acquaintances. They’re wives of some of my best guy friends. They’re “friends” on social media that kind of morphed into very true friends, the essence of the actual definition that we all sometimes throw around a little too flippantly. They all carry the same weight, no matter where they came from, or how little or lot of weight they previously held before entering SNM. Let’s go through a handful of them just to give them the much, much needed credit they deserve. (Because, you know, this blog is seen by soooo many people. “LOL”)
Danielle Farmer: college friend, married to another college friend of mine. New mom to Noah, born November 2019. Danielle sent me messages right off the bat, before even asking how Phillip was doing. She made me feel that I mattered. I cried during all the advice she gave me surrounding breastfeeding, how to dress a newborn, and most of all, all the feelings of inadequacy I had throughout the first month. Danielle sent me a care package with newborn hats (Phillip had none and I was putting hats two sizes too big on his little noggin), a “crazy cat baby” onesie, a mug that said “tired as a mother” (I legit use this every single day, no lie), and other fun goodies. Danielle & I shared newfound mommy-ness. She was the very first mommy to welcome me to SNM – the first to even alert me there was such a tribe. *added bonus: fellow breastfeeder, and she’s pint-sized, which made me always want to air high-five her because man, our small boobs really DO have superpowers!
Kate Bader: met her playing football on the E&Y team when I first moved back to Cleveland. I subbed on her team (she was the rare female captain of a team so I instantly loved her) and probably only played with her three whole times. She’s probably laughing right now, because I honestly don’t know how each of us just “decided” to follow each other on social media and sort of keep in touch, but once I entered SNM, she has become one of the most important people I turn to, and a very good friend who has lifted me up when I’ve been so low I didn’t know I could get up, and has given me some of the most solid advice. Mom to three gorg little gals, youngest is 7-months. I could go on and on and ON about how much Kate has helped me. Lots and lots of breastfeeding advice, hormonal advice, and running advice (she is a fellow marathoner! Woohoo!). I’ll skip over the first two and fast forward to the working out/running advice. This helped save my mental sanity. She helped me to get back into running which truly helped me begin to feel like myself again. *added bonus: fellow C-Section mama, and fellow breastfeeder extraordinaire – she pumps enough to fill a deep freezer, just like I have been able to do.
Holly Carson: friend since I moved back to Cleveland, first to find out we were pregnant (remember that blog?), mommy to sweet baby love nugget Julian, born in December. Holly has helped me since day one. Literally. She was a constant comrade during my pregnancy, always answering questions before baby arrived, and then morphing into the friend I could turn to when I needed to bitch my eyes out about things bothering me. I’m sure she probably got annoyed with me, but it never showed. I enjoyed (and still do) having this friend to sometimes just need reassurance about the things that are completely out of our control, but you still need someone to listen to your complaints. It could be anything from day care costs, lack of sleep, friends who have expensive baby registries (like, come ON. Makes no sense.), anything. I love you, Holly!!! (And let’s be clear: Holly is one of my BFFs outside of mommyhood, so just because I’m raving about her specifically related to being moms, there is 1000 other wonderful things to love about Holly.)
Mallory Vanuch: met her during prenatal yoga, both when I was her teacher and when we both practiced together. I think she walked into class once and made some self-deprecating comment that just instantly struck me and I said, “I NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH HER.” Pregnant with her second child, due only a couple weeks after Phillip, we had a shared commonality in delivering during the height of the pandemic, and using each other as sounding boards. Well, mostly me using her as a sounding board. But I cannot tell you enough how much she has helped me in the pumping & feeding department. All these girls have helped me with this, but Mal’s advice is laced with added humor that truly brings a smile to my face. She has my best interest at heart and it shines through every single text and sarcastic mommy IG post she shares. *added bonus: also a breastfeeding milk machine. This shit is a full-time job, people. Seriously. Oh, and she also has a blog on IG where she shares (and rates) nursing rooms, playgrounds, donuts and Mexican restaurants around the Cleveland area. Highly recommend that follow.
The SNM has really been a lifesaver for me. I can’t speak for every mom, but that first month was hell for me. Some have it easier than others, but for me, it was a time of deep confusion, lack of control, second-guessing, and physical healing. Maternity leave is not a vacation. It is not a time of pure bliss spent with your baby, reconnecting with your spouse and living a relaxed life. Many, many days I had a newborn glued to my chest who wouldn’t leave for the entire duration of 2-hour naps. While I loved those newborn snuggles, when you gotta poop or pee, or are so f’ing hungry you may eat your own hand, those newborn snuggles can turn south pretty fast. I was sleeping pretty well, but it was at the expense of spending any time whatsoever with my husband. I would go to bed at 8:00, wake up every 1.5-2 hours to feed the baby, and overall get around 7 hours of sleep, but it was broken up and inconsistent. I’m not a good napper so that wasn’t a viable solution for me. Breastfeeding was, and still is, a full-time job. I am so very, very grateful for this gift I can give my baby. It also has helped me physically bounce back quicker than if I was giving him formula. But it is a lot of work, and personally, I feel it is a job that doesn’t get enough praise. My entire schedule surrounds around whipping out my boobs every 2-3 hours, or strapping them to a pump. I live in nursing tanks and bras. Sometimes I just feel like I’m a vessel – my body totally utilitarian. Because of SNM, I have been able to have my feelings legitimized, and my tears wiped away by so many of these moms. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.
At the beginning of this post I mentioned that mommy powers can spread near and far, and there is no limit to how far they can travel. Advice for new moms: be there for the next new mom. Bring them food. Listen to them complain. Consistently and repeatedly tell them they are doing a good job. Because you know what? THEY ARE. And as a new mom, we need to hear that. It doesn’t matter how long time has passed since you last spoke to this person. Trust me, it doesn’t. We need to have people in our corners who build us up emotionally, nourish us physically, and lend an ear at a moment’s notice. PAY IT FORWARD.
I recently got my second tattoo, obviously Avett related. It is one period and three commas on my right wrist, stolen from the song “C-Sections and Railway Trestles.” I look at it every single day, as it’s in a spot that I see when I hold my baby’s head while nursing him, or patting his back, or squeezing his sweet little chubby cheeks. When I got pregnant, I knew I wanted this tattoo. We didn’t find out the gender of our baby, and I didn’t plan for a C-Section (who does?!). But it was divine intervention that everything from this song “lined up” and very much paralleled my exact situation. If you are a parent, I know you will enjoy this song, whether or not the above scenario was yours or not. Check it out on your music streaming app of choice.
EXTREMELY HONORABLE MENTIONS that while I did not write a paragraph about each of these women, they helped me significantly. Tina Myslenski, Chelsey Keough, Erin Gliatta, Amy Williamson, Courtney Hug, Marcie Ritz, Catherine Urban, Emilee Latini, Karla Guerra, Amanda Cajka, Jennifer Nekic, Ashley Raddell, Katie Betters, and many others – I am sorry if I am failing to mention your name. I love you gals. Thanks for my entrance into SNM. I’m glad to be a part of such an elite and loyal tribe.
Running With Nicole 